we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
