Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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