everyone is single if you try hard enough
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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