I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
