my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
