if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
