Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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