So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
