3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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