she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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