Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
