i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I need moral support for this bender
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
