i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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