I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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