He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Sext me about skeletons
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
