the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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