she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
