The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
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