dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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