just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Floor bacon is actually really good
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
