My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
