I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
