I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
