Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
