so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
