My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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