i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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