I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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