You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
