The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
