There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
