I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
