Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
