If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You pole danced in your parka.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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