i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
