I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
