i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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