Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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