Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dear god my vagina.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
