I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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