The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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