And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
