Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Watching her eat just hurts me
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
