I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were destined to go to rehab together
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize