Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
