Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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