Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm both gender and math confused
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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