I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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