She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
