dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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