I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
2020 sucks, I want a refund
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
