turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
