then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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