I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I touched a dick in church today
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
There's even glitter on my cock...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
