i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
