I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
